Ready for Mission?

This excerpt from an unpublished book called "Entirely Christ's ...and Not Yet" was written about five months after surrendering my ministry credentials due to significant sin. At this writing I would have been about a 150 days sober, removed from addictive sin. Tonight is 826 days sober, living into Christ once again. Still, the tension inside this story and reflection remains.

Exordium-3D READY FOR MISSION:

I just had the privilege of buying gas for a gentle man and his lady at the Fred Meyers gas station. When asked, I heard myself saying, hesitantly, "sure, why not?" I had my two grandchildren with me and perhaps that was part of my caution. I wish but doubt it. The gentleman, who was—gentle that is—was also black and it may have been a degree of unconscious bias. Another factor is that I'm losing that sense of being "Entirely Christ's" in terms of calling and mission. So, in the past where I would have immediately been attuned to a possibly sacred and sacramental moment 1 and delighted in an opportunity "to bless" I found myself processing obligation verses safety. The experience turned out well, simply a gifting. I had concluded I was safe by watching this gentleman's communication with his lady and so walked in relaxed.

During this time, my grandsons both came to a conclusion that they needed to find a restroom as soon as possible. Now that chaotic twenty-minute experience was a funny exercise in grandparent education. Who'd a thought that simply going to the restroom in a public shopping center could be a chaotic drama of fear management (toilets auto flushing, noisy hand dryers, my own concern with keeping two young boys in proximity so they were not at risk and the sheer embarrassing need to keep one with me corralled as I went, while the other was in a forever lap, trying to figure out how to wipe, stand, pull up his pants without the loud flush of automated toilet. "Papa", the younger said, matter of fact, while standing some 6' away inside but at the opposite end of the stall, " I can see.." Abruptly, I challenged knowing I had taken care to protect line of site, "No, you can't see!" The youngest continued, "Your tummy, Papa, I can see it!" 'Great' I thought, 'what else could possibly go wrong? I was about to learn.

That was an hour ago. We then went and picked up my lady. After dropping Joetta and the grandkids off at home, I'm now alone studying scripture and listening. The first was Isaiah 52: 5b-12, wherein The Trinity of God is rather sarcastically and creatively noting that despite all of Judah's failure to keep faith, God would be ever close making Lemonade from their lemons. "And all day long my name is constantly blasphemed. Therefore my people will know my name; therefore in that day they will know that it is I who foretold it. Yes, it is I" (Isaiah 52: 5b-6). Talk about Prevenient grace!

Then Jesus reminds me again of what I've lost. "How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, 'Your God reigns'" (Isaiah 52: 7). Today, 100 miles south of where I am, the WAPAC District Church of the Nazarene will be voting on and approving a report that will accept my surrendered credentials removing me from one of the "beautiful on the mountains".

It's appropriate and what must happen, including the tears that will follow this writing. Yet, in the quiet of this space, sitting on California Avenue where I would often sit to pray for my neighbors, I heard another, deeper, more ancient voice. 'Terry—as I have often told you... 'God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable. Remember what I have said through you to others in your very space, disciplined for betraying the office of pastor: Remember always, Whose you are and Who you are... And never forget that God's gifts and His call are irrevocable'" (Pg 19, "I Failed Jack). Then my eyes fell to Isaiah 52:11 "Come out from it and be pure, you who carry the vessels of the Lord. But you will not leave in haste or go in flight; for the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard." And Israel was escorted to Babylon for 70 years. When they returned Israel never again returned to idols. In fact so faithful were they that they could not accept the Messiah when he came; So determined to keep faith with the Word they missed the Living Word.

Today's Epistle text was written by one of Israel's faithful, Saul, whom God had to blind with light, to get him to see Jesus. By the time God was done with Paul he was using a pagan Roman ritual of a wine offering being poured out over the evening dinner table as a sacred prayer to the gods before dining, to affirm to Israel, to you and me: "Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, 'children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.' Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me" (Philippians 2:14-18 NIV).

A Prayer:

Father I am entirely Yours. Now, in truth, the 'entire' is a broken, weak man, so aware of all I have failed; so incapable of the very repentance that in truth is barely begun. I'm at every

level unholy, full of anxious longings 2 that still hold tightly to me. Anxious, because I don't

want ever to go back. Anxious because, like

Israel, I've tasted too deeply of betrayals cup to ever return. Anxious because I probably would if I did not know by experience what I now know.

Please complete Your work in me. Remove the unclean and unethical in me. You have told me, in essence, my coming back will not be fast, but slow, perhaps deserved, perhaps not. I no longer care, just walk me all the way back to beyond where I've been, so that I love You singularly as no other and my lady as myself. Until then, I will always remember whose I am and Who I am. Amen. 3

Q: How is Terry's prayer "Entire"?

How, "Not Yet"?

Write your own prayer: Scripture Readings: Isaiah 52: 5b-12 & Philippians 2: 12-18 Notes, Feelings, Insights, Prayer.. 137

Blessings! Terry :)

1 Sacramental moments are all around us. Moments where the Love of the Father, Son and Spirit is made real, visual, believable. It almost doesn’t matter if one is a believer, as long as the love is of the kind shared in the communion of the Trinity of God.

2 Anxious Longings: See Definition in visual above.

3 Preview "Entirely Christ's ...and Not Yet!" If you'd like to preview and perhaps use as a devotional book, as yet unplished (and have Adobe), then the link is as follows:

Preview "Entirely Christ's... and Not Yet"