03/03/24 (A Personal Update in Restoration)
Today, it is 45 years since Joetta and I witnessed in public before many and in private within the ceremony, our vows.
Our relationship from its inception was a friendship born within and for ministry, for mission. We are both very good in joint missions, intuitively reading off one another in glances, signals and a mutual and rather balanced read on persons and needs. Her wisdom is intuitive and broad, the result of God likeness in heart and mind. Mine a reflective, experiential wisdom, deep and multi-level—though not broad. The situation defines my focus and I am capable of tunnel vision, able to walk into any room, read it and be fully engaged with one person while attentive to the needs of everyone present, totally unaware of my family or those waiting to meet me for the next meeting.
Whereas Joetta loves God, deeply as she does her family and me--at least until I crushed her spirit by sin--her love is the result of integrity of spirit, expressed in presence, gifting and wisdom. My love for God is passionate, heart felt, my integrity growing out of that primary relation. However. in most of my life I have loved God with my heart, compassion flowing from its source. Yet in my will, not so much. My will or sense of commitment was always informed by a curios and questioning mind and inner anxiety fed by sensual hungers that occasionally presses in becoming deeply felt battle within. In my will I have never really loved Godfirst, as no other.
The mission, shared with Joetta, was and is my anchor. Until the stresses of the mission, workaholism and sustained and increasing mental health struggles slowly divided my spirit and soul until my love for God evaporated, my own integrity collapsed. I betrayed Joetta, my son and pastor and boss, my daughter, their spouses and grand-children and my church and the hundreds I have spiritually nurtured over decades.
I am so deeply sorry.
In the last 480 days of continuous sobriety God has allowed me the privilege of learning, over time, the cost. Most of my ministry now is literally scrubbing toilets and helping where I can, hidden and at a distance from the church. Renton Naz has become a safe place to simply "be" awakened from the hellish nightmare of duplicity I had trapped myself in.
Now, I have the privilege of watching Joetta in her grace filled administrative capacity at WSCN. Awakened in very different ways to her needs I now assist where I can, today attempting to unclog a toilet and scrub down a gas range as Joetta scrubbed out the refer. We, together with several others are helping to keep peace between neighbors.
As Joetta returned home to our grandkids, I was literally giving the second treatment, using ensigns and hot water, Clorox wipes and a scrubber to two very old and unused urinals at WSCN in a room 4' x 10', removing the smell. In the last few days I've removed a toilet, cleaned and capped a toilet drain at the opposite end of that same, now storage room—dormant for a decade, the urinals unused for 30 years.
Jesus has my full attention now, finally, as the continuous high of sexual addiction and its attendant lust has slowly dissipated. Once again heart and mind are in unity. I'm at deep peace genuinely enjoying doing what I'm not good at.
The repentance is by no means over. Layers of it just keeps being peeled away. No shame or condemnation from God, rarely from humans. Though I am ashamed. My enjoyment and renewed affection for Joetta, my kids and grandchildren deepens, even as their wrestling with what I did leaves each in different places, appropriately. I have no desire to fix anything cause one of the wisdoms of my years in ministry is the awareness that very often the one coming home is so happy, relieved that the nightmare is over she or he forgets that for those, I've hurt, its a long ways from over and may, perhaps, never be fully—as each, like me, deals with the ripple effects of trust broken.
On this, our 45th anniversary and my 481st day of sobriety, I'm grateful to our God, Joetta and my family for not turning willfully away. Thank you all. While I doubt Joetta could say the same, I'm so fortunate that I married wisely and well; whatever the future holds.
It's 1:40 AM, past time to crash and turn on my YouTube listening to Scripture being read as I have almost every night since 11/15/22. That has been the single greatest source of ever deepening healing.
Blessings! Terry
The follow is my URL for the Portfolio on this blog. In it, I lay out the direction, goals, plan I'm living into in pursuit of personal, marital, familial and Church restoration.
"I Failed Jack" is a highly confessional account of my own journey from sexual addiction and hypocrisy back to sobriety and obedience. It is a personal journey, vulnerable, reflecting my own reach for sound psychological and spiritual insight and practices with one goal in mind; Making it to the next day with out surrendering to lust inflamed desires.
Available at: https://www.amazon.com/Failed-Jack-reflections-friendship-beagle-Jack/dp/B0BT8S927K/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?c
"Entirely Christ's... Not Yet" is my recovery seen from within 180- 360 days sober. In this primer God is moving me ever deeper into inward congruence, loving God 1st as no other and my neighbor as myself. And yet I'm keenly aware of the sexual and cultural-social-psychological needs and desires that keep me in "not yet" territory. It is a spiritual journey exploring just how "not yet" I remain, awaiting a deeper repentance as I live seeing the full impact of my sin; in me, my family, the church, and not least those I sought intimacy through.
This book is written but not published, awaiting time and space to edit. If you would find it of value see my TEMPORARY FILE of "Entirely Christ's.. not Yet"
Comments