It was probably two decades ago that I realized the Church was my mom, my dad and family—especially mom. I'm not suggesting that is a good thing; only true. Nor do I wish to communicate any inadequacy on the part of my siblings or father and mother. For all I know it's a God-thing and rooted in the anointing and call of God to mission.
Even so, the full and healthy development of my life is largely the result of this mystery of the church accepting, nurturing and raising me a son—to wit my mother's presence was a powerful witness. Conversely, this church-familial relation does involve personality deficiencies and/or early theological misunderstandings around evangelism, the nature of Godly love and judgment reinforcing interior church-ish comfort. Allow me to unpack its tensions.
From my first tearful confession to mom—at five or six—of Trump style lying (exaggrrations), with me as the object, witness and beneficiary of my exploits, she had become my confessor. I was about thirteen and having endured my almost daily obsessive concerns with feelings, ideas and their attendant anxieties about committing the unpardonable sin she resigned as priest to my soul. As I entered the kitchen she looked up and noticing my countenance bluntly informed me that I was "forgiven," and sent me away by command. I never went back.
Well. almost never. I was twenty-ish, in my senior year at college and home for a visit, pouring out to her the reason why I probably needed to do the unthinkable; leave the church to find another in which to minister. "Mom," I began hesitantly into my last rationale, "I'm not even sure I buy into the very center of our faith's beliefs about how we come to love God first, as no other." Looking up ever so honestly into her eyes I added, "..and I'm not at all certain I can ever testify to loving God like that in my own heart."
Now a quick aside. By this time mom was my favorite person to argue with about all things theological. I don't think I ever shocked her until I confessed much later that I did not believe in 'the rapture'. Still bantering was our favorite past-time. Mom out grew every prejudice that she held, save maybe the political ones about 'the Kennedy's' and her anti-Catholic bias—which God challenged when her grandson and granddaughter each married a Catholic. Yes! 🙌 So, on the night of her death, just before I left her side for the last time I pushed her buttons one more time. "Mom," I said in an over dramatic tone deserving attention. "You realize that as facing Jesus nears, you might want to release those, shall we say, judgments. So let me help you.." Looking into her eyes sparkling in a tease I knew she was tracking, i continued. "You are aware, I trust, that much of the technology supporting your every breath is the result of the hard work of Senator Ted Kennedy." A smile was breaking across her face, as I'm sure it was mine, so I went for broke. "And when you awaken in heaven let me remind you that the Nazarene will fall off like worn out and I'll-fitting garment and you will awaken a Catholic!" We both broke into laughter and she said,"oooh Terry!" "Good night mom. I love you." I never saw her again.
To this day I love the Church as much as I love my mom and probably more than God. After my horrific betrayal of all things Jesus, it is to the church I run, as I did this morning. While the awesome mother of my children was with our son and daughter and two grandchildren at WSCN I was thirty miles away at my Naz Church receiving holy communion from a good and exceptionally compassionate pastor and now, friend. Unlike the theology of the Church I treasure, I felt and experienced not only The Spirit but the objective Presence of Jesus1 in the bread and cup—made easier to experience in the gentle and loving acceptance given by my pastor in the bread and his father (a pastor and former D.S.),2 who as a new and good friend, offered me the cup. My morning began by wiping down the tables around which we parishoners would sit; A priceless gift given me when, in this elongated season, I can offer no other. Following the service I had the privilege of hearing the much deserved affirmation by The Spirit, of my pastor's mom—an ordained elder in her own right, a presence not unlike my own mother—as she reflected on the privilege of mothering a future minister of Christ; whom, I understand was a bit of a rascal with an innocent heart as a child.
As this twenty something young man confessed his personal and theological inability to perhaps be a Naz pastor my mom wiped it all away in laughter as she glanced out the clear glass window of our little country cafe into the evening quite of Randle, Washington. "Terry," looking back, her eyes twinkling but delivering a very serious and direct answer as if she were a pastor. "A long time ago I learned to dismiss about 50% of what any pastor says!" Adding, "and that includes your dad."
To, perhaps the displeasure of a very few, I took my moms counsel as God's..even to this day. The Trinity of God in the Church has rounded the understandings of this little boy with an obsessive compulsive anxiety driven guilt capable of blinding me to real sin lurking near. The antidote is to instead stay near:
The altar where I kneel in the presence of billions who have come before, and;
The Table where I commune with Jesus, the twelve, the saints across time and the billions who eat and drink with me today, and;
The authority and counsel of my pastors and regional leaders who will walk me back to being one who serves at Christ's table, and;
The laughter, sarcasm, arguments and love of those who share this spacious temple, and;
Jesus my brother, friend, savior and yes, my mother.
Blessings to all our mom! Terry
1 Note: My previous blog: Jesus Fully Present in Holy Communion -
2 Note: In the Naz Church a D.S. refers to a District Superintendent who is a regional leader over large or small areas with scores of churches. Dennis responds as a friend and colleague in a season where "colleague" is all grace.
Note: An excellent article on the role of excessive guilt in mental health disorders is found on a website called, "Verywell Mind" and in an article called, "What Is a Guilt Complex?" by Kendra Cherry, MSEd https://www.verywellmind.com/guilt-complex-definition-symptoms-traits-causes-treatment-5115946
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