I recently had Covid. For a brief few days my taste was all messed up. Everything was either too sweet or too salty. Having known a couple of friends for whom they lost the joy of eating for months I was briefly afraid. 'How', I wondered, 'could I ever get my tastebuds back?' Worse, my daily ritual of devotional listening relied on a deep, rich coffee and a McKD's apple pie. How was I ever going to hear God again, if this iconic meal were denied?
It's been almost a year since I surrendered my ministerial credentials in light of being discovered as one who betrayed my wife, family, church , those with whom I chose to selfishly indulge my addiction to sexual desire, myself and as a result, God. In the year past I've completed two books, as confessional primers; "I failed Jack" and "Entirely Christs.. Not Yet".
"I Failed Jack" is a highly confessional and thoughtful exploration of the initial six months journey focused on being sober and seeking inner congruity towards restoration. "Entirely Christ's.. Not Yet" is an exploration of the inner brokenness that allows me to listen to God and once again loving God first--as no other--and my neighbor as myself and the absolute impossibility of such.
To that end. the following is "The Dedication" of
"Entirely Christ's".
The Dedication
I'm dedicating this book to anyone who has allowed themselves, as I did, to betray a public trust pursuing selfish, albeit addictive ends; and who is open to the simple awareness that the sorrow experienced , remains incomplete, inadequate. Incomplete because the grieving, though genuine, has not yet penetrated to the center of my own deeply broken character. Inadequate because both my wife. my family and my church deserve and relied upon my essential integrity. now lying in ruins.
Jesus reminds you and me by illustration; "“Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage" (Matthew 5:13 Msg). The NIV1 adds one additional nuance, by asking. "If the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?” (Matthew 5:13 b NIV).
Put differently, how is it that "we/I" who teach others and often with inspired wisdom can be so blind and self-indulgent in a matter of personal/public trust while diligently and with the highest ethic's remaining faithful and uncompromising about, say managing a $500,000 building program? What allowed me the room to remain tender in spirit with women whose pleasure I chose to engage, as real persons--graciously and aware of their emotional needs, even if it meant not pleasing myself--but in a context that was inherently destructive of them as persons? How bankrupt can my soul become, willing to recognize Ive hurt everyone by definition under the umbrella of no pain, no foul?
How can I or God restore character and love when my behavior inherently betrays both character and love? One year later, I'm slowly becoming acquainted with the inner lies of heart and soul I've lived, by means of feeling my own, my wife's and at a distance my church's pain. But that is not enough. Nor does it fix what's broken.
If you can identify with these questions, then this writing is dedicated to you and to me. Hence, "Entirely Christ's... Not Yet".
Terry Mattson
10/25/23
348 days sober
1 New International Version
2 Link to Devotional Video regarding '1 day trip' to my childhood home: https://youtu.be/Ocj-AR6UiGE?si=P29kec0erFG_FqfN
TEMPORARY FILE of "Entirely Christ's.. not Yet"
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