3 Years & 3 Days

A Personal Journey of 1095 days

Relational Contexts:

As of this writing it has been 3 years since my sin properly forced me to surrender my credentials in ministry. In that time and by way of pain filled grace:

• Joetta and I remain together, and;

• We attend two separate churches (WSCN 1, 1a, Renton Naz), and;

• Except for a few, usually familial occasions, I retain no relationships with WSCN, for whom I was Sr Pastor (18 1/2 + years. 10 years as associate pastor), and;

• I have retained, a carefully proscribed volenteer relationship in the building restoration, whose completion in July of 2025 reduces further my role to volunteer labor only

Personal Context:

• Living into 3 years of 'faithful obedience' to Christ in relation to addictive behavior. and;

• Living under the authority and guidance of my pastor and consistent with commitments to my regional Superintendent over WAPAC 2, and;

• Written 1 published and 1 as yet unpublished book on recovery as a confessional and developmental re-discovery of health, and;

• For two weeks been very sick with a sciatic nerve debilitating issue followed by flu with congestive chest issues, and;

• Enjoying renewed patterns toward weight loss and directed excercise.

Devotional Journey

10/27-29/25 From: My Devotional Book "50 Days of Promise" for TUESDAY—Story 13—The Unfolding Gift—Shame Turned to Honor

10/27/25   ...1,095 days living into sobriety.  1095 divided by 3 = 365 days

Revised for 10/29 1,097 days living into sobriety.

Scriptures: Psalm 23, 2 Corinthians 4: 1-10, MATTHEW 5: 1-10, Jeremiah 31: 21-40

10/27/25 Reflection

As of today God has enabled me to live 3 years without a hint of porn or inter-active sensuality. Though there have been moments (especially in the first year) of deep inner wrestling with desire, God has helped me to avoid even 30 seconds of acting on those desires.

Thank you Jesus!

10/28/25 Reflection (continuing the reflections of yesterday)

Most of the time I'm at peace; not even thinking of old nurtured desires.

More importantly there has been a surprisingly slow awakening and awareness as to the cost of my sin on everyone (family, church and those in the sexual industry, trapped).

Three years later there is hardly a day that passes without the immoral, dehumanizing nature of my sin's cost penetrating my consciousness.

Though God has in critical ways protected, even honored Joetta and my's need for Missional presence in the Church of Christ, our separate journeys in two churches (Jo at WSCN and me at Renton Naz) is a quiet reminder that what we once shared mutually in experience; is now revealed in several conversations in the course of each day. While mutual interdependence and even joy and pain lives inside the rhythms of our marriage there is no longer the assumed trust and exquisite 'oneness' that serves as an unexpressed joy.  I shattered it and forgiveness does not automatically restore; nor should it.

What I have robbed in my children's faith in God, in their own marriages, in me I can only imagine and feel in the loss of respect once given. For this most subtle of and destructive of costs to them and theirs, I can only ask God to protect. I am so aware and sorry.

Then there is the countless looks of pain, followed by loving acceptance when encountering former parishioners. Gone is the simple "faith-assurance" that a pastor—who loves his/her people—communicates as a charism of office; a kind of mystical assurance that God is not only real, but good. The same relationship, now betrayed, leaves in between us a mystery in reverse; a kind of "faith-doubt" lingers, if only for a second or two.

At this writing, knowing I cannot fix the depth charges I've created in all of my closest relationships, I choose to simply acknowledge these changes in relational identity and trust that in this life (in a measure) and certaintly in the life to come, I shall know again the innocence of love lost and the regained trust of The Father, the shared friendship of God's only Son given in the expressive “wordless groans" of "the Spirit" ever interceding in us (Romans 8:26) and perhaps, even the renewed trust and respect of my family and friends.

May God continue to make tender my heart , soul and mind so that the blinded, free floating, child like innocence returns, without the arrogance of a young man assuming for himself, "what's not to love?"

God's Response

As is so often the case, God communicates awareness and profound grace as I walk inside a confession. After writing the above reflection as i settled into todays quiet space, I then turned to my devotional reading for the day. It is entitled: TUESDAY—Story 13—The Unfolding Gift—Shame Turned to Honor.

WOW! 

The writing in "50 Days of Promise" that feels like God's response to my reflection.

Holiness is the love of God removing our shame and guilt, which is the power of sin, so that we may live fully alive in the wonder of who God is!

Ann Julian of Norwich captures the essence of this gift in her writings:

“Our Lord brought to my mind the longing that I had for him, and I saw that nothing hindered me but sin, and I saw that this is true of us all in general.

Also, God showed that sin shall not be a shame to man, but a glory. For just as every sin brings its own suffering, by truth, so every soul that sins earns a blessing by love. And just as many sins are punished with much suffering, because they are so bad, even so they shall be rewarded with many joys in heaven because of the suffering and sorrow they have caused the soul here on earth. For the soul that comes to heaven is so precious to God, and the place so holy, that God in his goodness never allows a soul that reaches heaven to sin without also seeing that those sins have their reward. And the soul is known to God forever and joyfully restored with great glory.

In this showing my understanding was lifted up to heaven. And then God brought happily to my mind David and others without number from the Old Law, and in the New Law he brought to my mind first Mary Magdalene, Peter and Paul, and those of India, and St. John Beverley—and also others without number. And he showed how the Church on earth knows of them and their sins, and it is no shame to them, but is all turned to their glory.

And so, our courteous Lord showed them as an example of how it is in part here on earth and shall be fully in heaven. For there, the mark of sin is turned to honor.”

From “The Joy of the Saints”, page #205

A Writing of Julian 0f Norwich, 1342- 1416.

The Holy involves my apprehension of the deep love of Jesus, as I open up the wounds of my life to his acceptance.

Initially, I receive the gift of forgiveness. Inside forgiveness is a hidden present. Like a Christmas package with multiple wrapped boxes, each inside the other, I explore in my soul the unwrapping process. As I remove the second package I am drawn to a smaller package still. On goes the gift of life until I get to the last one. Once opened I discover the real gift, given.

 Shame has uncovered guilt, and;

 Guilt has uncovered the wounds of sin (empty longing, pride, greed), and;

 Love has removed shame and guilt and hence; the need for sin!

I have, within me/before me an empty jar, ready to be filled with the oil of God’s loving presence.

Reflections on “The Unfolding Gift: Shame Turned to Honor”

Julian treats our sin/sinfulness as a shame turned by the love of Christ into a spacious place of honor. Holiness involves the process/experience of God clearing our land mines of sin so that our sin-space is turned into a redemptive and holy place within. We are allowed to live in the city of humankind as person transformed by the city of God, within. 3

Q: What in Ann Julian’s teachings about the loving nature of God engages, comforts, surprises or disturbs you?

Q: Has the light of Christ’s sorrow ever focused your heart on your own sinfulness in a way that has no guilt or condemnation attached?

1, 1a West Seattle Church of the Nazarene where Joetta is on staff

2 Washington Pacific District Church of the Nazrene

3 The musicians of The 2nd Chapter of Acts beautifully portrays this concept of atonement in a lyric to their song. "Which Way the Wind Blows." The phrase simply indicated that God removes the Sin from sinning". Understood in the way Ann Julian of Norwich describes God's transforming ability to use the horror of sin as a cleansing of the heart, the removal of shame, this lyric is one of my favorites. Enjoy as you contemplate this Devotional (Lyric in last verse).

Which Way the Wind Blows by 2nd Chapter of Acts